My dad died last week.( Read more..Collapse )
I've been an emotional whirlwind.
At first I was like "why do I care?" I don't even remember him. He left before I was 2. Never paid child support. He was a deadbeat dad.
But then as a few days passed. I found out I had a sister. and my dad had never told her about me. I remembered a lot of times at school, or even later when I got a job, I always wanted him to find me. I always thought, "what if he comes to take me away from school?" or "what if he is the next one to walk through that door. What if he's been trying to find me? Or building up his courage to see me again? Or maybe he's waiting til I'm a bit older so I can choose to go with him."
I turned 18 and thought "well, I'm an adult now, will he find me now?"
Whenever I did things like paint, or write, or whenever I got good grades, made the honor roll, or graduated college, I thought "if he finds me now, he'll be proud of me. He'll want to know all my little stories, ne? He'll tease me about liking Korean music but it would be fun."
My mom always told me that I resemble my Grandma Eva. She had fiery red hair and hips like mine. but a couple years ago, I found out she died. I'll never have the chance to meet her.
Oh my god the funeral. I was so nervous. My stomach has been burning since Monday. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I just want to curl up in a ball. The funeral was worse than I imagined. I imagine his daughter and her brother being angry at me. maybe starting a fight about how I wasn't really his daughter. I brought my birth certificate and photos of him getting married to my mother.
But this was so much worse. They didn't talk to me. They left me out. According to his eulogy he was born and then he moved to Dallas to have my sister, then he was a great, doting father, then he died. That was his life. Whenever they talked about how wonderful he was and how he would give them his last dollar, I wanted to throw things and punch walls and scream "Well good for you! I'm so happy to know he was there for YOU!" But I stayed quiet.
They left me out entirely. They left his first and only marriage out entirely.
And they called him "Willie!" My mom and uncles were so confused. They said "Who the hell is Willie? His name was Kevin." But Tiery and I assumed it was part of his starting a new life, changing his name and all.
Oh yeah. He never married my sister's mom. She moved in with him, stayed for 7 years, they had the baby. My uncle says that she was a prostitute with 3 kids. My dad was trying to help her out.
He paid child support on her for 9 years. She doesn't have his name. Neither does her brother whom my dad supposedly adopted. Her brother who has now already taken my dad's car and who knows what else.
After the funeral my uncle was furious. He brought up pictures of me to put in the slideshow. They knew about me and they CHOSE to leave me out. To make me feel even more alienated.
I met a wonderful, beautiful second cousin named Kay. She seemed so happy to see me. She took me by the hand and introduced me to people saying "Do you know Kevin's first Daughter?" And once she introduced my sister as "This is Kevin's YOUNGEST daughter."
She made me feel better. For a while I had felt like I was invited just to be hurt and teased. But she made me feel accepted. missed even.
The graveside service was better. More of my actual family was there. I think only my sisters family was invited to the formal funeral but the graveside service was back home. Where his real family was. Where my grandfather was. He was happy to see me. and saved me a seat in the front next to him. My sister and her brother were not invited to sit. So many aunts and uncles and cousins were excited to see me. One older woman saw me and without thinking said "You favor him. especially when you smile."
At Grandpa's house everyone kept saying "I can't believe he didn't tell them about you. I can't believe he never found you."
My grandma had a picture of me up. Only 3 pictures. Me, my cousin, and my sister. Her only 3 grandchildren.
People kept saying "She always wanted to find you."
GOD! I'M SO ANGRY! This is where the anger starts.
IF SHE WANTED TO FIND ME, WHY DIDN'T SHE? I only lived 30 minutes away! WHY DIDN'T HE FIND ME? WHY DID NONE OF YOU FIND ME AND BRING ME HERE?
WHY DID MY MOM LET HIM STOP SEEING ME? WHY DIDN'T SHE FIGHT FOR CHILD SUPPORT INSTEAD OF SELLING ALL HER THINGS TO PAY FOR BILLS? WHY DIDN'T HE FIGHT FOR PARTIAL CUSTODY? WHY DID MY MOM NEVER BRING ME HERE TO VISIT MY GRANDPARENTS?
And now what do I do? It really doesn't look like my sister was all that close. Sure they visited but... she didn't cry. They only time she seemed like she started to cry was when she had to talk about him. And she keeps throwing out "I'm daddy's little girl." but she uses it too much. like she's trying to convince people. But nothing about her speech, nor her body language, displayed grief. Her brother seemed more the grieving son, than she did the grieving daughter. I found from listening to her and her cousin that she hadn't even visit my grandparents home in 7 years. Since her parents separated.
... What do I do? I'm the oldest. Do I fight for my right to be included in the proceedings? or do I just let them have it? But they seem so fake! If I could really see the love and sorrow from them, then I would give it to them, but I don't see that. If I could see that they had a happy, loving relationship, then I would get lost. but I don't see that. They seem like vultures. They want his things. his savings. I can't say I'm not concerned with it. (but this is where the anger comes in. Its alright to be angry right?)
I suffered because he wasn't around! It was common to come home and not have water because even though Momma worked 2 jobs, she couldn't pay the bills. I worked since I was 16 and worked 2 or 3 jobs to put myself through school. I was put into a situation when I was a toddler. Left in the care of a man who molested me. Momma moved us from house to house. I haven't had the same house for over a year since I turned 11. the only time we stayed for over a year was with the man who hit me told my 7 year old sister that nobody wanted her or loved her and made her cry and told her she was ugly. He hit me for standing up for her. for not letting him hurt her. And when I wanted us to run, Momma turned us around and made us stay there because she thought she couldn't support us on her own. My brother could get out because he was 18. My sister could go to her Daddy's. He was a proper divorced father. I had nowhere to go. Nobody to go to.
I started cutting. became bulimic. all the while saying "if I hurt enough now, I'll be rewarded later, right?"
All because I had a father that left. that never came back, that never looked for me. That was too busy I guess. He had a new life, a new daughter.
I was 16 hating myself, hurting myself, thinking I had no way out but to survive and graduate and get away. Because he. wasn't. there.
well, I'm back now. I didn't get away for long. but that's another story entirely.
- Current Location:United States, Oklahoma, Muskogee
- Current Mood: pissed off
“With.. with your tongue.”
( Read more...Collapse )
- Current Mood: hungry
When I am sad, its not about you. When I think I'm worthless and hopeless and feel like dying seems desirable, I'm not giving a second thought to what you may be thinking about me. I don't want your pity or attention.
1. Don't make indirect online comments about how you "don't have time for attention whores" and think that I can't figure out your trying to talk about me.
You know what, don't make bitchy indirect comments at all. Like it makes you clever to leave someone's name out of a tweet.
You think you aren't responsible for what you say if I figure out (not that hard) that you're talking about me. C'mon. don't be a bitch and a coward. if you think something, stand up for it.
2. If you're caught and regret it, apologize.
Don't do it like Karla did and admit to a shared friend that you shouldn't have said what you did and then tweet some half assed bullshit apology like "I'm sorry you thought that was about you."
3. Don't retweet indirect comments about "attentions whores... take your medication and go to bed." Then you're a cowardly bitch AND lacking creativity.
I'm depressed. I am on medication. and sometimes the feelings come back.
I apologize if my talking about my feelings is uncomfortable for you. ignore me. I'm sorry I can't just sit in my room and drown in my inadequacies and sorrow alone.
I'm on the opposite side of the planet. in a neighborhood in which I could truthfully go months without seeing another foreigner. Without having anything more than beginning level English conversations. Twitter has become my connection to my friends. Or rather. Those that I thought were my friends. I spend enough time alone with my thoughts. It would not be wise to spend time alone with the thoughts that are telling me that I shouldn't even exist and should just put all of my loved ones out of my misery.
Unfollow me if I bother you that badly. If you are my friend but don't wan't to talk to me during those times, then fine. Its hard. I'm stubborn. and when I'm in that mode i can't believe anything that isn't something negative about myself. I get that. You probably don't want to try to talk to me. That's okay. then just be quiet. Don't try to make yourself feel better, smarter, or more powerful, my posting cowardly indirect bitchy comments.
If you haven't fought this... then you really can't understand it. And I hope you never have to understand it. But if you do, I hope you have better friends than you are to me.
- Current Mood: irritated
then, I was busy stuffing a box. And when he was done he came up behind me and touched my back and asked why I didn't come yesterday.
i told him I was so tired yesterday and he acted angry at the korean students for making me too tired. He said, "See I told you, Korean students are not cute."
he wanted me to leave a comment for him being nice to me on the post office gov't web site. and he brought me behind the desk so he could show me how and help me... but I wasn't able to for some reason. we were using my gov't id and he asked me, "is this your birthdate?" I said yes and he said "Wow. We are friends! But traditionally because my birthday is in January..." and I cut him off by saying, "you're Oppa!"
He said, "Wow! dongseng!"
I finished mailing all my boxes. and I was saying goodbye to everyone and he said "Wait, Little sister." I said "Ooookay."
then he handed me this little paper that he had folded to be a cup filled with little pieces of dark chocolate.
ZOOOOMG. if I have your address you can expect more letters. just so I can go to the post office to mail them! XD
- Current Mood: hyper
A/N: This isn't meant to be dramatic. When you're away from the ones you love for a long time, its the small tasks and details that you find beauty in when you're together again.
( This was what Min missed most. Sharing the days, sharing their lives; talking about their thoughts, talking about nothing at all. Just filling the darkening evenings with their voices. When they ran out of words, the nights would be filled with their combined breaths.Collapse )
- Current Mood: lonely
And then I go to lunch.
I normally LOVE lunch. The cafeteria makes the best Korean meals. complete with soup, 2 veggie side dishes, a meat, rice, and some fruit or desert. I haven't really found a Korean food I don't like.
Until today. O_O
I was fine with the octopus. The soup, as always was FANTASTIC. But in the saucy, sprouty, octopussy, main dish I scooped up some round thing. It was covered in sauce and I'm not really a picky eater so I didn't even try to see what it was. I just ate it.
I chewed once. And suddenly has the urge to vomit. The texture is what I imagine eating eyeballs would be like and the taste was... ugh. like some rotten mussel. I couldn't spit it out or show that I HATED it. So what do I do? I swallow it without chewing again. and then shove a mouthful of rice and kimchi in my mouth to get rid of the flavor. It worked.
I still didn't eat any more of that dish. I didn't finish my rice. But I had seongpyun for dessert. YAY~
Every time I burped (for some reason WAY more than usual) I tasted it. My stomach is still churning 3 hours later.
And I finally asked my co-teacher what it was.
She looked up the English name on Naver. . . Get this....
WARTY SEA SQUIRT.
What the fuck is a Sea Squirt? Why is it Warty? and Why the HELL are people eating it.
I don't think I'll feel better until I induce vomiting.
- Current Mood: distressed